you don't know

Nobody knows me
Yet everyone knows my name
Some people judge me
Not knowing that I'm the same

Thanks for the offer
But I keep my old friends always
But then I get lonely
Counting the endless days

Are you here for me at all?
Do you care for me at all?
Well, this time now I know
I ain't standing alone no more

Cos all I want is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
Cos all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you think you know
You don't know
You don't know

Some heartfelt emotion
Creeping from deep inside
Cause being this person
Is all I've got left to hide

Were you here from me at all?
Did you care for me at all?
Last time I was told
I ain't standing alone no more

All I need is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
And all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you don't know
You don't know
You don't know

You don't know...

it's been a while since the last time i heard this song. i remember back in fourth year high school when we were asked to pick a song that could represent us and deliver it infront of the class, not as a song but as poem or speech or err-- whatever, i picked this one. and if my accounting professor today would ask me to pick a song that could represent my current state, i'd definitely go for this one AGAIN.

everybody seems to have assumptions about you, your decisions, the way you handle your life... well, that's the way it is. but i hate it when they're considering their personal views about you as proven fact and worse, sometimes they even speak as if they know you that much. but thing is, 90% of those don't make any sense as far as your REALITY is concerned. 

oh yes. i don't know myself completely. but hey! with the superior being as an exemption, no one knows myself better than i do. i was never against their opinions but please.if the assumptions cannot be justified and is indeed futile considering the fact, forget it. i myself is the only one who was able to  witness my daily routine, from late night work, to school every morning, to bonding with my boardmates, to hanging out with my friends, to having a good laugh with my brothers, to those priceless conversations with my parents, up to those moments alone thinking about having enough time to sleep, what to eat, how to review my lessons, will go to work or will not, what movie to watch, and the list goes on. and yes i'm having daily personal assesments, and no one has an idea on that.

i do have plans, and those plans were never at the expense of others, and i don't think there's something wrong with that. i may not have plans for everyone but at least i have for myself, my family and friends. if that would make me an individualist then i am. but at least i know that in this scope, i can really make a difference. some people might argue with this statements, some people might wish for the failure of my plans just to prove their stand, some people might as well create another assumptions about the way i am, but again, those people have no idea.

taxi

11:30 am 30 minutes undertime kase ang end ng shift ko eh start ng major subject ko. pano ko magagamit ang maximum half hour travel time from edsa central to sta. mesa ng ganitong katanghalian? TAXI.

Maine: (nagparining lang) wala bang short cut papuntang sta. mesa?

dumaan ng edsa si kuyang driver ----- dumirecho, hindi lumiko sa shaw!
Maine: san po tayo dadaan?
Driver: sa ortigas, traffic jan, saka bawal left turn

pagdating sa san juan ----- hindi dumaan sa dinadaanan ng public transpo
Maine: san pa tayo kuya?
Driver: ayan malapit na yan, lalabas na ng aurora
Maine: (nakakaramdam nang nanggagago ang taxi driver... tahimik pa rin na tingin ng tingin sa wrist watch)

paglabas ng aurora, TAENA BROADWAY PA LANG!

sa may ccp
Maine: (umiiyak na, mahinahon) inikot mo naman ako kuya eh.
Driver: (ampfufu, nakatawa pa) bakit late ka na sa hinihintay mo?
Maine: (umiiyak pa rin) may pasok kase ako kuya hindi ako pwedeng malate dun.

ang lintek na driver, hindi man lang naisip kung gaano kahalaga ang ORAS ng taong nakasakay sa kanya. leche bakit ba ko nagTAXI? hindi ako nagtaxi para makaamoy ng aircon sa tanghaling tapat!

UMIYAK ako kase pilit kong pinipigil ang GALIT at inis, dahil gusto ko nang BARILIN yung gulong ng taxi o kontakin ang LTFRB para mawalan ng lisensiya, gawan ng iba pang kaso ang taxi driver o kahit pagsisigawan o pagmumurahin man lang ang potek ---

pero di ko nagawa dahil mahirap sisihin ang isang MAMAMAYANg nakakulong sa ganito kalupit na LIPUNAN na gumawa ng ganun kasimpleng kaTUSO - han para maitawid sa pang araw-araw na pangangailangan ang PAMILYAng biktima rin ng NAKAMAMATAY na SISTEMA.

yosi tayo....

hindi ako nagyoyosi, pero try ko kaya? maadik kaya ako? dumating kaya ako sa
puntong hahanap hanapin ko yun sa bawat araw? at kung mangyari man yun at
dumating ako sa pagpapasyang kelangan ko nang tumigil, kakayanin ko kaya?
makaya ko man, gaano kahirap? kasinghirap kaya ng nararanasan ko ngayon?

hindi ko malalaman ang sagot kung hindi ko susubukan. pero gusto kong subukan hindi
dahil gusto kong malaman ang sagot...

kundi dahil gusto ko ng pansamantalang ginhawang emosyonal mula sa pisikal na paghithit ng usok at pagnamnam ng mga elementong maaaring may sapat na mahikang magpapalamlam sa matitingkad na hibla ng aking kaisipang tila patalim na sumusugat sa isang parte ng aking pagkatao...

mga patalim na ako mismo ang naganyaya, hindi ko ginusto, ngunit pinili ko.

Oo, pinili ko ang isang mabigat na pagpapasyang tuldukan ang isa ring mabigat na
desisyong napagpasyahan ko mga tatlong taon na rin ang nakararaan...

ngunit hindi tulad ng pagsubok humihit ng isang yosi, ang desisyon nung tatlong taon na ang nakalipas ay isang desisyong hindi ko pinagsisihan...

at sana ang desisyong pagpatay sa sindi nito ng hindi pa man umaabot sa filter ay ganun din, meron mang malaki at samu't saring emosyonal na sakripisyo... ay walang pagsisisi.